“Patricide” is a rite of passage for men, but “matricide” is an existential crisis for women – the mother’s existence deeply penetrates into the heart of her daughter, and if a daughter attempts to “matricide”, it is tantamount to hurting herself.

Patriarchy allows sons to establish their subjectivity by opposing their fathers, but requires daughters to complete their socialization by inheriting their mothers’ roles. This gendered growth path makes mother-daughter conflict an individualized manifestation of institutional contradictions. The entanglement between mother and daughter often stems from the tension and contradiction between “what a mother should do” and “what a daughter should do”.

Introduction

Hidden within the self-doubt of East Asian daughters are the words of their mothers.

The root of this self-blame stems from wanting too much to be a daughter “worthy of love.”

Mothers, too, stumbled through patriarchy, transitioning from being someone’s daughter to becoming the mother of a young girl.

Both mothers and daughters face the same maze.

The complexity of the mother-daughter relationship lies in the fact that each partner gradually anticipates the other’s reactions, amplifying the negative aspects of the relationship.

Finding a new solution to the mother-daughter relationship: We need not engage in confrontation, but rather to hold hands and build a more open mother-daughter relationship.

About the Author

Tamaki Saitō (Saitō Tamaki; born September 24, 1961) is a Japanese psychologist and critic. He specializes in the psychiatry of puberty and adolescence. Saitō is Director of Medical Service at Sofukai Sasaki Hospital in Funabashi, Chiba.

Saitō is notable for his study of hikikomori, a term he coined; He is internationally recognized as Japan’s leading hikikomori expert.

Table of contents

Prologue: Why “Matricide” Is So Difficult

Chapter 1: The Struggle Between Mother and Daughter
Daughters Screaming in Pain
A Mother and Daughter in an Overly Close Relationship

Chapter 2: The Mother’s Curse
Unconscious Mechanisms of Domination
Shojo Manga and the Issue of “Matricide”

Chapter 3: Difficulties Unique to Women
Psychoanalysis of “Femininity”
Maternal Compulsion

Chapter 4: From Shared Body to Shared Consciousness
Bodily Connected Mother and Daughter
The “Mother’s Language” Installed in the Body

Final: How to Restore Relationships
Postscript

Phase 1

Women, only a minority who are alone.

Saito Tamaki, a Japanese psychiatrist born in the early 1960s, also has an interesting and unique identity: a manga critic. This book uses stories from various manga works to illustrate the points made in the chapters or as introductions to more obscure topics.

Compared to many psychology books that simply explain theories or list cases, this method of explanation is easier to understand and more engaging, like reading a collection of stories. After all, stories are the most effective way for humans to absorb information.

One point in the book that puzzled me was Saito Tamaki’s concept of “femininity as physicality.” After reading the entire book, my understanding is that acquired “femininity” (feminine traits) and innate “physicality” (physical experiences) are passively connected during a woman’s development, and together they define “the feeling of being female.”

In other words, it’s “what makes me instantly recognizable as a woman” and “what constantly reminds me that I am a woman.” They describe “how others see me” and “how I imagine myself,” encompassing both perspectives.

This understanding may serve as a key to the entire book, making it easier for readers to read.

Thus, the book states, “No matter how much daughters want to deny their mothers, they have already lived within the language their mothers gave them, and they can only continue to do so.”

Phase 2

For a male author, Saito Tamaki is almost impartial. He finds loopholes to insert new perspectives. I see this attempt in many of his books, breaking away from the clichés found in many psychoanalytic and social science texts. Non-sexist, non-psychoanalytic, non-Oedipal, his work possesses a determination and ingenuity that defies convention, and readers should approach it without preconceptions.

Reading this book made me realize once again how easy it is to fail as a mother, especially as a mother of a daughter.

The key phrase in the book’s title is: “In essence, every woman is a separate minority.” How “minority” is this minority? She is the only one.

Thus, mother and daughter, each in their own minority, often have their own demands.
It’s natural that two people can’t fully cooperate. The problem is that “mothers” are labeled as “selfless and great mothers,” and “daughters” are labeled as “caring little cotton-padded jackets”—all manifestations of being treated differently as members of minority or vulnerable groups, and being isolated from their natural rights. This makes reasonable setbacks in cooperation seem “undue,” delegitimizing them.

The primary conflict of interest between mother and daughter is that the mother needs her daughter to confirm:
1. I am a good mother. Everything I do as a mother is socially acceptable and right.
2. I can raise a good daughter. My daughter also receives social approval in the way I want her to.

Daughters need to learn how to exist as women through their mothers. In other words, they need to use their mothers to reflect on how they should feel about being a woman. I believe this is the process by which daughters learn and experience “femininity.” In this process, whether willingly or not, they inevitably inherit their mothers’ expectations and strictures about themselves and about “womanhood.”

If the daughter’s words or actions waver in any way—perhaps simply because they don’t conform to a particular social norm, or perhaps simply because they don’t fit the mother’s own image, or perhaps they do, but the standards have changed—the mother’s identity is severely shaken, creating a crisis.

If the daughter expresses negative judgment, she will be effectively resisted or even punished by the mother. After all, during the long period of child-rearing, the mother holds an absolute advantage.

A powerful person can be overruled by a subordinate—this is a terrifying contradiction, leaving everyone involved feeling lost. The positions of the powerful and the subordinate constantly shift; yet, in reality, both are in a position of weakness, and neither can bear the responsibility of the superior to “endure disappointment.”

Psychoanalysis isn’t responsible for providing solutions. The same is true of this book. I believe that all knowledge can tell us is a clear description of “how difficult it is.” The rest is up to life and experience. “Break through hell, and avoid the cycle of rebirth with a powerful mind.” A child in prison is a mother’s failure; a child who doesn’t want to marry is a mother’s failure; a husband who isn’t satisfied with the family atmosphere is a mother’s failure (like Bree in “Desperate Housewives”). Perhaps, all we need to do is consider the extent of our failure as a mother and let go of the illusion of being a perfect woman. Only the disadvantaged yearn for perfection; those in power see themselves as inherently perfect. Perhaps, a daughter cannot help but disappoint her mother. Living a mediocre life will disappoint her, as will her brilliance and leaving. Not marrying will disappoint her, and neither will marrying too many times… So, all we need to do is decide how far we want to disappoint our mother, rather than struggling to connect with her.

After all, every woman is part of a minority group, alone. Simply surviving is a success.

Reference: Tamaki Saitō Wikipedia